Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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