I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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