I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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