I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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