you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
