if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
