FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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