the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
