If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
