I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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