how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I smell like Dick and happiness
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
