I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize