So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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