mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
