I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Your cock deserves a montage
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
