got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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