thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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