I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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