i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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