I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
