I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
