so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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