he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
