I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
