My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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