What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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