yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
where am i from again
I could make wine with my vomit
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
