So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
