This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
