My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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