It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
