just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
