first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Cover your peen. We're going out.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
