Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I deserve this hangover.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
