meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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