I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
