Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
