It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
