I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
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Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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