Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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