He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
