just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
