Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
