Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Did we literally take a cab across the street
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
