New invention idea: vibrating tampons
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I forget how to act sober
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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