Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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