I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm like, not good at living.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
