well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
