Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
