I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
