Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
