Sponge bath it is.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize