Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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