someone threw a dead crab at me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
