I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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