I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Every concussion has its silver lining
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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