I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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