Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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