I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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