She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
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Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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