your room smells of hookers.
And success
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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