You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
